The Interview

As I drove down I-65, all I could do was pray that this was the right thing to do. I prayed that God would just make it clear to me the path He had for me. I had finally become content with whatever He threw my way.

A loud sound caught my attention immediately. My first thought was that I had a flat tire. I remember praying, "God, there are other ways to get my attention other than a flat tire." I pulled over and looked around and found the luggage carrier on top of the car was a little loose. I wasn't too convinced that this was a sign as much as it was me being stupid and not strapping the thing down tight enough before I left the house. I ratcheted the strap down a little more, got back in my car and drove on.

I arrived at my exit and turned on Union. I drove over the river and through the S curve that entered what is officially downtown Nashville. It always amazes me to drive through downtown on the weekend. During the week, the area is full of people, lawyers and lawmakers, suspects and victims, guilty and innocent. The homeless walk by mostly unnoticed by those who see them everyday. But on the weekend, everyone seems to come down and look at what has been left behind. Photographers on corners take pictures of buildings. Tourists walk around admiring the architecture and stop to enjoy food and drink. And the homeless are still there, restless because they stick out like a sore thumb. During the week, they are invisible because of their familiarity, but on the weekends, they are noticed because of fear and judgemental minds.

I parked at 4th and Charlotte and walked up the street to the War Memorial Auditorium. Nashville has boxes at all of their intersections with speakers on them, piping in country music through the entire downtown area. The walk was filled with excitement and nervousness, I hardly even noticed the steep incline that ended at 6th Avenue. When I arrived at the Auditorium, a protest rally was in full swing. News cameras were all over the place. I was concerned that perhaps some were protesting the casting call. Weird, I know. Of course that was not the case. As I reached the top of the stairs, I noticed a line of people in a courtyard. These people were like me, and I knew that I was in the right place. I went over to the courtyard and found the people who were in charge of processing the hopes and dreams of hundreds of people waiting to prove themselves worthy of just a shot at being happy. I was one of those people, and I had a piece of paper that helped me reach my proving ground a little quicker than everyone else. The lady at the door welcomed me in and handed me paperwork to fill out. I sat down and started writing.

When I finished, I stood and waited for further instructions. The room was filled with lines of people. Excitement was in the air. Everyone was talking and laughing. I saw a couple of ladies dressed alike in Nashville Predators gear. I saw a couple of Indian guys wearing blue shirts and khaki shorts. My first thought was they worked at Best Buy, but I think they were making sure everyone knew they were a team. A guy came by and stood with me. He was a pretty big guy, not just weight but height as well. Being 6'4", I don't look up at a lot of people. This guy was easily 4 inches taller than me. We started talking, and we hit it off right away. I found out he was from Knoxville. "God's country," I said, "And home of the best football team in the nation." He gave me a fist bump and then pulled out a picture of a younger, thinner version of himself in a three point stance wearing the orange and white of the Volunteers. No wonder we hit it off so well.

Another guy joined us. He was from Nashville and had decided the night before to come out and try to realize his dream. He had won a pass off the radio the night before, and had left work early to stand in line with us. He was a college student and a security guard. He was in awe of the whole thing. We all started talking about the questions that may be coming our way. We spent the next hour filling the time with small talk and jokes.

A couple of guys joined our trio after about an hour. They were from South Carolina. I found out later that one of the guys was a contractor and his partner was a lawyer. Contractor looked a little nervous. Agitated, too. Lawyer was pretty friendly. He and I talked a little bit. I think the nerves got the best of all of us.

Another hour passed. The Dream Holders took a break and ate lunch. We stood waiting and watching. They started herding us again. Lines of people went into the room to prove themselves worthy, some rearranging started happening. Progress. We were getting closer. I started talking more and more with Volunteer. He and I had a lot in common. We had the same sense of humor. We actually talked about going in as a team. But as luck would have it, the Holders came out and asked for an individual, and Volunteer joined the lines for the next group in.

Security Guy started talking to the Best Buy guys. Lawyer and I started talking more. We started talking about rescue missions, which I have a lot of experience with. I talked about God's provision and how He has provided for us in these tough times. He talked about how he had seen that with a rescue mission in the town he was from. I could tell Contractor was a little uncomfortable with the conversation. Lawyer enjoyed it, though. We started talking about needs in the cities we are from. We talked about entitlement and religion. I started talking about relationships and Christ. It was awesome.

Another hour passed, and I started questioning the meaning of V.I.P. That is what my pass said. I thought it meant Very Important People. Apparently, the Dream Holders thought it meant Very Intense Patience. Having 6 kids, I already had it, so I was good. They brought more people into the Proving Room. We moved up. We were finally at the door. The nerves were at a peak now. A lot of nervous converations started going on. Security Guy and the Best Buys were cutting up. Another couple of people joined our group as we waited. They were both from near Memphis. The guy was a coach from Bartlett, the lady was from Dyersburg. We talked a little bit, but they didn't seem too interested in talking with me. The Best Buy guys were in charge of the back of the line, and they had everyone's attention.

I decided to listen to them, and they had some interesting stories. One of them had tried out for every season of the Biggest Loser. He had even made it to the Final Interview, just steps away from the Promised Land. The Powers That Be decided he was not ready, so he was not let in. Dyersburg had tried out before, she even had a call back for an on camera interview, only to be banished to the Land of No Further. I, too, know what it is like to wander in the deserts of the Land. I tried to pass these gates before only to be turned away at the entrance. I didn't even get to look inside.

Our time had come. It was time to visit the Dream Holders. They alone had the power to get us through. They alone held the ears of the Powers That Be. It was only through them they we could reach the goal we all wanted to achieve. They sat us at a table and asked us to briefly give a history of who we were, what we did, how much we weighed and how much we wanted to lose. Everyone gave their stories. I was the last to speak. I intentionally planned it that way so I could leave an impression, perhaps do a little more talking. They then asked us why? Why now? Why did we want to change? Everyone gave their answer, nothing real heartbreaking or devastating. I gave my reasons, which I have written here time and time again, to be obedient to God, I must get this part of my life straightened out, how can I help others when I don't get myself straight? The Head Dream Holder seemed interested, he even asked me where I lived and how far that was away from Nashville. I thought that was encouraging. Our time had expired, and it was time for us to leave. The Dream Holders had others to judge, our time had passed.

I walked back to my car, the events of the afternoon playing out before me. The last thing they said to us before we left was, "If you have been chosen, you will be given a call back by 9 this evening." I had spent the past four hours waiting, now I had five more ahead of me. V.I.P. does mean Very Intense Patience. As I walked down to my car, I saw that I had parked at a building that prints Sunday School material. I didn't even realize it. I don't remember the exact phrase because I was in a hurry to get to my car, but it said something to the effect of, "Lessons from the past to mold the future." I liked it. I meant to go by and take a picture of it, but I forgot.

I got to my car and turned my cell phone on. No callback yet. It had only been ten minutes. I didn't leave the killer impression that I had hoped. I drove back to my mom's house hopeful that I found favor in the eyes of the Dream Holders. I felt confident. I walked in to my mom's house and told them what had happened. My sister is a friend of the someone that helped the Dream Holders. She texted her and she said I did well. I was feeling very optimistic.

Time slowly clicked by. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. No word from the Dream Holders. My optimism began to fade and I slowly came back to the Land of Reality. In this land, people have to work for what they want. There are no lottery winners, no Golden Tickets, no Passing Go and collecting $200. This is where real people live. This is where people earn tickets to the Promised Land, the land where the things they want live. I am a citizen of the Land of Reality, I cannot leave it. The Dream Holders made that loud and clear. They did not call to see me again. Banished from their presence forevermore, I returned to my homeland, content with the path that is laid out before me.

Dear NBC,

You just missed out on someone who can write poetically about the weight loss process. So guess what, I get to write a book, and this chapter will be the most amusing one. Thanks for giving me a chapter. No, I won't pay you royalties. Well, maybe if you let me be on The Office, but that would be the only reason.

Thanks,

Jeremy

Weigh Day #3

So, yeah, the day I dreaded finally arrived...

Weigh day.

It's a Catch-22. I am excited to see how I have done, but scared to see if I have done poorly. So how'd I do?

I started the day by measuring myself. I wear a 62 waist jeans, but my actual waist was 72" a week and a half ago. That is very embarrasing to put up here. Anyways, I measured this morning and I am down 2 inches, so that was a good start.

Week 1 weight     464
Week 2 weight     465 (which I guess I'll stick with, urg)
Week 3 weight...........
453
That's right. I lost 12 pounds in 14 days. WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!

I am so relieved. Finally, a big step in the right direction. Momentum is with me, I'm feeling good. Biggest Loser interview is tomorrow, leaving for Nashville later tonight. Lots of prayers needed.

-2 inches, -12 pounds, 14 days, I hope every weigh day's like this.

Slacking

Yeah, I know. It's been a couple of days. In my defense, I have been busy. Well, not terribly busy. Monday we chilled at the house. Yesterday, we went grocery shopping, which I DESPISE. It's not the stores or the shopping, it's the people, especially Wal-Mart. I don't know if it's because I am getting older, or the kids are wearing my patience down to nothingness, or maybe I'm just crabby, but the people in Wal-Mart are what Rick Warren refers to us "EGR" people. Extra grace required. I pray the whole time in that place that I don't lose it on someone.

Anyway, I haven't walked since Friday. Sunday, I played pretty hard. Monday, nothing, Tuesday, basketball at lunch. So this morning, I decided to go ahead and walk. I got out, put the ipod on and started walking. The shuffle picked a pretty upbeat song right away, so I began at a pretty hard pace. It was miserable. I could feel every muscle, every joint, every tendon scream in protest. I was really worried. I thought that I wasn't going to make it. As I made my way around to the gym, I was breathing heavy and was really considering slowing down a bit. I couldn't believe how bad I was hurting from not walking just 4 days. I was beginning to wonder if my new shoes were the culprit. I decided to walk through it and hopefully make my mile and be done with it. I was ticked off. I was up to two miles in a walk, and then my body turned on me because i took a break from walking.

I hit lap 2 and started feeling better. The pain in the legs left and I got my breathing under control. I finished lap 3 and Mountain was looking at me waiting on the cue to wrap it up. I kept going. My ipod stopped playing music, and I freaked out a little. My playlist finished, so I started it back up and kept going. Lap 4 went by quickly, Mountain was looking at me again. I didn't say anything to him, I noticed it out of the corner of my eye. I kept going. Lap 5 felt really good. If I had more time, I could do 5 more. That would be 5k. I can do 5k. I know it. Time wasn't going to allow for it today, but I felt it. I knew I could make it. Lap 6 started, and I slowed down the pace a bit. Mountain tried to talk me into running, and as much as I want to, I need to focus on my endurance for the 5k. I finished the 6th lap strong, making it 2 miles in 35 minutes.

Calories were bad yesterday. I came back today wanting to do well, and I did. Feeling pretty good about weigh day which is 2 days away. Actually, I'm not. I am terrified. Anything is better than I was, I know, but man, I am trying hard. I really want to do well.

Saturday is the big day. I have an appointment with casting people at noon. If you have time to think about it, pray around noon on Saturday that I don't totally mess it up. My father-in-law told Pam the other day that his mom's church is praying for me to get on there. That felt pretty good. I'm just gonna be myself and hope that cuts it. Well, time for another blog on the other site and bed, sooooooooo, later!

Just for Kicks

I am officially registered to walk the Pray Race and Yell For a Cure 5k March 19, 2011, at Shelby Farms.

I am pretty excited. I am hoping to finish the race in less than an hour. I have a lot of work to do. In honor of this occasion, I got some new kicks. Pam and I went shopping yesterday, and Sears had all of their shoes on sell. I got $100 worth of shoes for $45, which is AWESOME. It was meant to be for me to walk, lol.

An awesome day today. We had an after church social at the CLC. We had a blast. I was concerned about going just because of the food. Being Baptist, we have a tendency to eat every time we meet, and when we do, it's usually not food that is good for you. I didn't eat breakfast just in case. But everything there was very healthy, and I had no issues of blowing my calorie count or anything like that. In fact, I went for seconds. Don't worry, it was all fruit.

After we ate, I got to show my mad skills on the basketball court. I came out of retirement and showed Noah my racquetball abilities. He's good, I found out first hand. He nailed me in the crotch from 7 feet away with his forehand. He's still talking about it. I decided to go back into retirement. Next, it was time for me and Mary to  beat my older boys in volleyball. We showed them that together, we were a force to be reckoned with. Both of those boys have "Wilson" tattooed on their head from some pretty vicious spikes. Yeah, I get carried away sometimes. Overall, a pretty eventful time. Jonathan ran around and Sam slept through most of it. Pam played a little volleyball, but decided it was in the best interest of the ceiling tile and rafters of the gym to stop. She is more of an outdoor volleyball person...

A busy week ahead. My normal walking schedule, weigh day is Friday, I am speaking to a youth group Friday night, then off to Nashville for my Biggest Loser thing. I think I am more worried about speaking to the youth group than anything else. Definitely out of my comfort zone. Give me the homeless, drug addicts, recovering drug addicts, adults, young kids, anything, but youth, I don't know. I have found that God seems to work more in situations where I don't know what I am doing, so God is definitely gonna do something awesome Friday night because I definitely don't know what I am doing, lol.

Update

So, I am going to try to get on the Biggest Loser next weekend.

 I have mixed emotions about it. I mean, it would be an awesome opportunity, it would be fun, I am very competitive so I would enjoy that, too. But I love my job here, and I don't want to jeopardize it over something like this. I also worry about things around here like bills and all that stuff. And, most importantly, I am REALLY going to miss Pam and the kids if I get on there. There are a lot of pros and cons. I have to rest in the fact that God is in control, He will do what He wants to do. Quit worrying about tomorrow, tomorrow has enough worries of its own. Take care of the here and now, which, today, is my kids' awful rooms.

Pray with me about this. I am really just wanting God to be glorified in this whole thing. I know I am doing the hard work and everything like that, but the only reason why I am doing it is to be obedient to the Lord so I can be used by Him.

I did time my mile yesterday. My fastest mile (just walking) was 19'24''. I was walking as fast as I could. I would like to try to get it down to 15 minutes by 5k time, but we'll see. I think the only way that would be possible is if I did that speed walking thing, and I have a little too much self respect to look like those guys. They look like ducks walking on hot coals.

Anyways, hope everyone is doing good. Spring is here, time to get with it people. Walk, run, swim, go outside, do something different today that changes your life a little bit. Start small, do it right, grow it strong. Later!

I Walk the Line

Yeah, I woke up late, so I didn't do the self imposed 5k.

Well, that's not entirely true. I did wake up in time to do it. I woke up at 430 with the intentions of doing it. I walked to the bathroom and hurt every step of the way. I think I may have overdone it a bit yesterday. The 2.6 miles wasn't the issue, it was all the sheetrock I pulled down and hauled. So I tried to talk myself into it, but it was a no go. Maybe tomorrow...

I did, however, walk my usual mile. I think I am going to start timing myself to see how long it takes me to walk a mile. It might make that boring walk a little more exciting. It will play to my competitive edge. Eventually I will have to do something besides walk and, well, Dance Central. But there aren't enough songs on there to really keep it going.

I need new shoes. Totally out of the blue, I know. But I realized it today that my shoes are worn out. Put 460 pounds on a pair of shoes for over 100 miles and see how long they last. Not long, especially since there have been a few real hard miles on them here recently.

That's all I got right now. I am about to write another blog on my Mud and Mercy site, so check it out when you get a second: http://www.mudandmercy.blogspot.com/  Later!

It Has Begun

So, it is time to kick it up a notch around here. This nice weather has me motivated. Hopefully, it will stay this way for a while. I am tired of winter.

Last night I bought this watch that does so many things that I can't figure it out. The one thing I do know how to do is use the heart monitor on it. Apparently, when you work out, you want your heart to stay in a certain range so that you are burning the maximum amount of calories. I went for a walk this morning, and my heart beat wasn't in the range. I started jogging until I got there, and finally the beep went off to let me know I was there. I kept on walking and I was able to keep it there for the entire walk. Man, there is another blog in there, but I will save that until later. Anyway, I walked 1.6 miles this morning before I got the kids ready for school. When I got to work, I did another mile before my work day started, which brings me to a grand total of 2.6 miles.

I would like to mention that a few weeks ago, I walked 1.7 miles and it took me over an hour to finish it, Today's morning walk (1.6 miles) took me 25 minutes. Yeah, I killed it, go me.

There are three ways I track my distance:1. Drive it and look at my mileage, 2. Reconfirm it with mapmyrun.com, which I really like, 3. Pedometer on the ipod, which tells me steps and calories burned. Yes, I check every way, I am a numbers guy, remember? If I can figure this watch out, I will have a fourth way, and believe me, I will use it.

I will have more Biggest Loser news later. I am considering it, but there are a lot of factors to think about. I mean, I do have a job that I don't plan on leaving, bills, 6 kids, bills, a wife, bills, you know, things that all need to be taken care of. We'll see how it goes. I hate the fact that everyone has a hard time commenting on this thing. Thanks for all the messages and emails and facebook stuff, I really appreciate it.

Tomorrow, if I wake up in time, I plan on walking a 5k. A self imposed 5k, crazy, yeah, sadistic, probably. There is no time better to start than right now, I mean, it's only half a mile more than I did today, sooooo, I will let you know how it goes tomorrow, if I wake up in time...

A Time to Reflect

So, after the whole scale debacle, I have taken some time off from blogging to think about this whole thing and reflect on the many comments, advice, and encouraging words from everyone. Thanks for all of the encouragement, I really appreciate it.

I don't like to fail, Actually, I am tired of failing. I have tried this over and over again, and I AM NOT going to fail again. It is time for change, and it has already begun. This hiccup isn't going to slow me down. I am just going to press through and hope I loose a lot next time around. Pam and I are going to get a measuring tape so I can measure my equator   waste and see the results along with the weight numbers.

And one more thing, I want to see what everyone thinks about it. I have someone who knows someone who has an inside track on next season's Biggest Loser casting. Now, this isn't a guarantee, so let me get that straight up front, just an opportunity to MAYBE get on the show. I am thinking about doing it, but I want to do it on my own, too. Now, I tried out for the Biggest Loser a few years ago and, of course, didn't make it. It was CRAZY. They took us back there eight at a time and had us answer questions about why we want to be on there, what would we do if we lost the weight, etc. This one girl in our group stripped down to this two piece bathing suit that she had no business wearing with this picture of Halle Berry wearing the same thing (and it was probably the same size). She told the casting people that she wanted to look like her in the bathing suit she was wearing. After that, I would've forgotten the whole group I was in, too. Anyways, any thoughts?

How is this possible?

I woke up this morning in a great mood and full of anticipation. Weigh day. It's the day where I get to see all the results of my hard work and discipline. All of the 1800 calorie days, all of the walking, the ball playing, all of it to culminate at this very critical point. As you know, this was the first weigh day I have had since starting this three weeks ago. I weighed two weeks ago at 464 pounds. I am trying for 1 pound a day, which is very optimistic, but that's the goal. I've done all of the math, and have figured out what I need to do to lose it, and I have had a couple of days where I haven't been as strong as I should have been. But I have seen a lot of results. My ring is sliding off my finger, my clothes aren't fitting as tight as they used too, I have a chestbone (yesssssss! lol), I am jogging, so I know there are things that are moving in the right direction. With that being said, I was really looking to be 10 pounds lighter this week.

I went through my usual routine this morning of showering and getting dressed. I put on one of my shirts, which was looser than it was the last time I wore it, so I was really getting excited. I put on an old pair of blue jeans that I hadn't wore in a while. I put on my belt, which is really for looks now because I can't get it tight enough to hold me jeans up anymore. I put on my boots and laced them up to the top, which is awesome. My legs used to be so big that I couldn't lace boots up completely, so I would leave the higher parts of the boot, where my ankle is, unlaced. It was going to be a good day. I walked out of the house feeling lighter than ever, knowing I was going to conquer this day.

I went in to work and got everything started up for the day. Things were going smoothly. I went to lunch and visited the doctor's office to weigh in. I walked through the ice covered parking lot with ease. There used to be a time where I would freak out about walking on ice. A big guy like me has very bad balance. But I walked across the ice confidently, slipping occasionally but catching myself every time. "I couldn't do that a couple of weeks ago," I thought as I opened the door to the office. I knew this would be awesome.

I walked in and greeted the receptionist as I always do. I asked her if I could just walk on back and weigh, and she had no problem  with that. I walked to the back and hopped on the scale, excited and ready to see the results. The numbers blanked out then flashed up to reveal...465. 465. I had gained a pound.

What? What? How could this have happened? This was mathematically impossible. I had cut my calorie intake down. That alone should have resulted in some weight loss. Even my bad days weren't that bad. I never went over 2500 calories. And then, all of the exercise I have been getting. I mean, miles walked, miles run, hours of ball playing. I had increased my activity. That should have resulted in weight loss, too. But combine the two, and I should have lost something. But no, I had gained a pound. I was crushed. I walked back to my van and drove off. The first thing I did was call Pam.
"You're not going to believe this."
"What"
"I just left the doctor's office"
"Mhm, and how'd you do?"
"I gained a pound."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I don't get it. How is this possible?"
"Are you wearing anything different? Your coat?"
"Nope, well, my boots, but they can't weigh that much."
"We'll weigh them and see later."
"No, I still have a little time for lunch break, I'm coming by now."

I had to have answers. I had to know what went wrong. I had to, well, try something. So I went home real quick and weighed the boots. We figured they weigh 3.5 pounds. My shoes weigh one pound. So, doing the math, I have lost 1.5 pounds. Two weeks of work, 1.5 pounds. .1 pound a day. 1/10 of what I had hoped. I am disappointed, upset, angry, aggravated, and a whole lot of things. Above all, though, I am frustrated. I am frustrated at the fact that I have worked hard in hopes of some real concrete change. I am a numbers guy, numbers equal results, and I didn't get that. I am frustrated at the fact that I am actually doing this the right way for once. Sure, there are easier ways to do this, weight watchers, slim fast, pills, and stuff like that. And I know for a fact that these things work because I have done them before. But to actually eat healthy, to exercise, and to live a better lifestyle and see this happen is very frustrating.

I appreciate all the kind words everyone has said that has already heard about this. I know that muscle weighs more than fat and everything I have been doing has added muscle. I know that I have lost inches and those should be considered victory, too. People have seen me and have said that they can tell I am losing, and I feel better, and I am getting around better. All of these things are good, and these are things that are going to keep me going strong. It is a bit disheartening, though. Down 1.5 pounds. Let's hope it's a start to many more!

Happy Birthday Pam

A story that I must share...

I didn't date that much when I was a teenager. I went to three different schools in three years, so I didn't really get to know many people that well. I was a bit shy, too. I know for those of you who know me now, that is hard to believe, but trust me, I was. When I was 17, I made a decision to rededicate my life to the Lord, and I wanted everything to about Him. I even wanted the girl that I was to date, and hopefully marry, to be someone that God wanted me to be with.

With that in mind, I prayed specifically for the woman that I would someday marry. I prayed that God would send someone who would help me grow spiritually. I prayed that God would send me someone who would love me unconditionally. I prayed that God would send me someone who was a good mother to our children. I even prayed that God would send me a sign that it was the right person for me. I prayed that she would have the same name as my mom, whom I love dearly and has endured a lot and I have the utmost respect for.

Well, God's timing never seems to run with my timing. I thought that since I was seeking the Lord in this matter, he would answer this prayer right away. Guess what? He didn't. Eventually, I got tired of waiting on God. I got tired of God period. I decided that I wanted to do things my way because His way was just too hard and I wasn't getting anything out of it. I can remember saying to Him, "God, I am doing all of these things for you, why don't You do something for me? Everyone else gets what they wan, and I am better than them, why don't you bless me?" That prideful, self absorbed attitude got the best of me, and I strayed from God, I quit going to church, and I surrounded myself with a bunch of people that I had no business being around. I started drinking and partying a lot. I turned my back on God completely and knew that I wasn't going back.

A couple of years of partying and drinking caught up with me. I was feeling awful about myself. All of these things that I thought were fun and I was finding fulfillment in were becoming empty and meaningless. I realized that the things that I were doing were killing me. I remember the worst night I ever experienced was Halloween 13 years ago. I drank so much that I blacked out. I woke up the next day at my place not knowing how I got there, what time I got there, who brought me home, nothing. It was terrifying, I remember praying to God that morning, in the floor of my living room, "God, I know we haven't spoke in a while. I messed up, and I don't want to change. God help me, make me change." He answered that prayer later that day.

A friend of my roommate's came over to decorate for someone's birthday party that we were having. When I saw her, I knew there was something about her. I would say it was love at first sight, but I don't want to sound too much like a girl. Anyway, we started talking, and I just knew, I knew that there was something about her. I knew that she was the girl that God wanted me to be with. I was then reminded about the prayer I prayed 4 years prior for the girl that God wanted me to be with. And do you remember that last part, the part about her name? Well, that girl that was decorating my house was Pam, which, incidentally, is also my mom's name.

Pam and I started dating a few weeks after that. After we dated about a month, I asked her to marry me in probably the most unromantic way possible. We were talking one day, and she said, "Let's start going to church." And we did. I got things straightened out with God and He restored me in ways I could have never thought possible. We got married after being engaged for two years, and have been together every since.

Today is her birthday, and I usually do something funny or romantic for her (to make up for the crappy way I proposed, lol). So this is my romantic gift for her this year, to tell our story to everyone who reads this. I also want to say this:

Pam, I love you more than you can possibly fathom. I have been so blessed to have you in my life, and not a minute goes by that I don't think about you. God sent you when I needed you the most. You are a great mom to our children and have been there for me through thick and thin. Words cannot express how much you mean to me. I am a better man because of you. Thank you for everything you do. Your support, your kindness, and your love mean so much to me. I thank God for this day, because this is the day that He put you here, my reason for breathing. I love you so much, and by the way, happy birthday!

Rambling

In case you didn't notice, the incident with the mirror yesterday hurt my self esteem a little bit. I have to be honest, and this may sound weird, but yesterday was the first day I have really looked at myself in the mirror and really didn't like what I saw. I don't know, it's hard to explain. I think that I have lived in denial about being overweight for so long, or at least justified or to the point where I thought everything was ok, that now that I have acknowledged it, I am seeing myself with a new set of eyes. I think this is only going to help me in the future. It's like the saying goes, "The truth will set you free." I want to be free from this. I am so tired of it. The problem is that I want results NOW. I just need to calm down and keep on working. Results will happen. Start small, do it right, grow it strong. I heard that in a sermon from my pastor a few weeks ago and he's right.

Anyways, weigh day is 3 days away. I am so excited. I am seeing some definite improvements. My pants are looser, my belt isn't doing it's job anymore, time to downsize. I have a chestbone, which is amazing. I can't remember when I felt a bone in my upper body. My wedding ring is sliding off my finger. Oh, and I can jog half a mile. Ok, not straight, but I am jogging. Pam and I would walk half a lap then jog half a lap. It's a start, considering I just started doing it what... a week ago? I can score 5 stars in Dance Central. One day, I will be as good as my friend Sarah, but until then, I will dance in her shadow. When I can properly do the Marquez Wiggle, I will feel like I have accomplished something (an inside joke with some friends of mine, but trust me, when I can do it right, I will video and post it here.) So other than that, I have nothing to report. Another pretty good day, I'm not sure how many calories the nachos we ate tonight had, but I think I kept it close to the 1800-2000 mark. If not, "Bust a Move" and "Days go By" got me back down there. Dance Central is an awesome game. Well...that's all folks. Goodnight!

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall...

Dear Mirror at the Fitness Center,

I hate you. I hate your stinking guts. I hate your reflective surface. I hate your bright, unrelenting, all exposing light. I hate you whole stinking family. Actually, that's not true. I met one of your relatives that was really nice. He was very flattering and had very nice things to say and showed me wonderful sights. He made me feel taller and my weight was no issue to him. I don't like the fact that you sent him to the carnival to be used in that house of rejects from your family. You have no heart.

Don't you realize all the hard work I've been doing? Don't you know the sacrifices I have made? Do you not know that I am trying? As I write this, I feel the effects of my labor. My knee hurts, my ankles throb, I have to lay a certain way to keep my back from binding up. Yet there you stand, smug and cold. None of these things matter to you. You have no soul.

Your timing is awful. Just when I felt momentum was shifting my way, you take the wind out of my sails. I ran tonight. I ran a lot. Pam came with me, and she ran, too. The kids watched us and they had a good time. The boys and I shot ball and had fun. I hit some really good shots and was getting to feel like my old self again. Yet there you are, to remind me that these feelings were just delusions of grandeur. There you were to remind me that I am not there. There you were to remind me that I am not the guy I used to be. You reminded me that I screwed up, that I failed, that I let myself go.

There was a point that I would let you win. There was a point in my life where I would just say, "You know what, you're right. I'm a big guy, but that's just me. I come from a family of big guys, so it's no big deal. This is just who I am. This is how God wants me to be."

I found out something about you. You show me the here and now. You show me what I have done to myself. You show me the results of neglect and self hatred and addiction. But there is something you don't show. You don't show hope. You don't show determination. You don't show me where I am going, you show me where I've been. That is your weakness, and that causes me to hate you even more. But know this, I will be seeing you again and again, despite the fact that you are a heartless, soul-less representation of what I've done. Sooner or later, I know that my opinion of you will change. But right now, don't speak to me.

Thanks,
J

Super Bowl

I painted all day yesterday, and I hurt so bad after I was done that I couldn't type.

So, in honor of yesterday's hard work, I indulged in the Super Bowl (please don't sue me, NFL) festivities and decided to partake in party food that was high in calories and in no way, shape, or form in my new eating habits. Honestly, I couldn't eat half of what I planned, which is good, considering it was 4 times as much as I needed. But I feel guilty, and a little bad. I am realizing the impact food has on your mood and energy level. I feel like crap. I think I am pretty much done with crappy food.

Anyway, this is the week we starting getting intense. More walking, more exercising, maybe throw some weights in or something like that. Sounds like a good time, right? No, it doesn't.

Oh, and I am entering a 5k next month. Pretty exciting, huh?

TGIF

When Pam and I made plans for dinner, I realized that I only took in 600 calories all day. 600. Not bad, especially considering I walked/ran a mile and played 45 minutes of basketball. And even though I had an opportunity to really go all out for dinner, I didn't. I am pretty proud of myself, but anyway...

The whole food thing is a roller coaster still. I have good days and I have bad. Like today, only 600 calories and I didn't even think about. Pretty cool. The other day, I couldn't stop thinking about eating. I don't know what the science is behind, or even if there is something behind it. All I know is that I wish I had more days like today, where food is no big deal.

I am trying to stay active and always do my walk. I am getting faster and faster in my mile walk. I did it today in 17 minutes. Time to do more laps. The basketball at lunch is a lot of fun. Guys don't expect me to be any good because of my size. I am not that great, but I still have a decent shot. I think Pam and I are going to start our CLC trips next week. She doesn't know it yet, but she will find out when she reads this, soooooo, SURPRISE!!!

Weigh day and pic day is 1 week away. I am thinking about doing a video, too. We'll see how much initiative I have after I paint tomorrow. Goodnight!

Top Ten list...

Some signs that you are losing weight:

1. You can touch you toes
2. You can walk a mile and still be able to go further.
3. While walking that mile, you find yourself constantly trying to keep your pants up.
4. Your pants keep falling down, even though you have a belt on.
5. You find a smaller belt that you haven't worn in quite some time, and find that it fits around you again.
6. You decide, hey, I'll get those jeans that use to fit and wear those, and you put them on and they fit.
7. Your wife hugs you and says, "You feel different."
8. Your coworkers say, "I can see a difference."
9. Showers don't take as long.
10. You can buckle your seat belt with ease.

Yeah, lots of changes this week. It feels good. So, I weigh again next Friday, and then I'll post pictures and everything like that. A pretty good day, need to go grocery shopping, I'm running out of healthy things to eat. Pam went on an emergency salad run this evening, so I managed. Back at it tomorrow.

What's up with that?

I skipped two days and no one said anything!

Bad followers! Bad Bad followers!

Anyways, Tuesday was good, yesterday I was sick. It ended badly. Very badly.

Back on track today, so pray for me, keep reading, and say something for goodness' sake!