Run, Forrest, Run

I took the night off last night, so I have a lot to report...

Two days ago I had a dream. I woke up early one morning and I got dressed, ready for a real early walk. I went outside, started walking a bit, and then I thought, "Hey, I should jog, just to see how long I last." There were thoughts in the back of my mind that my knee would blow out or my heart couldn't handle it or that I might pass out, but I put those notions to the side and just started running. I ran. It felt great. I made it to the end of the block and thought, "I can go a bit further..." So I kept running. I still felt good. I made it to the end of the next block and was surprised. I could still run. My breathing was great, my heart hadn't exploded, my knee felt good. I made it another block and thought, "Man, I can make it the whole way!" Then I woke up. But that really got me excited about where I am heading. And it also did something else.

I want to run.

Running is something people take for granted. But when you have kids that are very active, it makes you want to run with them. When you coach sports and you're busy telling kids what to do, even though you can't do it yourself, you'll want to run. If you grew up playing sports and now you're at that age when you can get on church leagues and rec leagues and be a legend in your own mind (hehehe), you want to run.

I struggled with this desire all day yesterday. I got in to work and started my day with the mile walk. I was very tempted to do it, but I thought, "Man, that was just a dream. Your knee is going to give, your lungs are gonna cave, and you are going to fall, sucking air, and then your heart is going to explode." So, sadly, I walked. After lunch, I was going to run when I did my afternoon mile, but 2/3 of the way through, I got called to an emergency and had to quit early. That evening, before I left, I thought about it again. I was determined to get two miles in for the day, so I went for my last lap before the end of the day. I was thinking, "Just run it, Jeremy." But then the thoughts came flooding in, limping, suffocating, heart attack, so I walked my lap and headed home.

This morning, I started my walk as planned. Me and my buddy Mountain were going in for our 3 laps for the morning. As we talked about our previous evenings and what we were going to do for the day, we ended our first lap, and I was feeling great. We got into a rhythm the second lap, no talking just feet hitting pavement, flocks of geese flying overhead, and the birds singing in the trees.The third lap, our last lap, came up, and I could hear a voice in me say, "Jeremy, run." I was honestly scared to do it. I ignored and kept walking. We past the ball field, rounded around the gym, headed over by the caboose, and the voice got louder, "Jeremy, run!" No. "Jeremy, run!" Nope. "Jeremy, RUN!" Um, I'm going crazy. "JEREMY, RUN!"

"Mountain, I think I am going to run back to the shop."
"You want to?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Let's do it."

I ran. The whole time I was thinking, knee, air, heart, knee, air, heart. But everything moved. Everything was going. I was breathing. My heart was still beating. My knee was strong. I ran. I ran and it felt great. I rounded the corner to my shop and my pants started falling down. I had to keep one hand on my pants and kept on running. I ran all the way to the door of my shop and stopped. Breathing, check. Knee, still bending. Heart beating, a little faster than normal, but check. I looked back at Mountain and said, "I could have gone further." He asked, "Why didn't you?" "I can't keep my pants up." "We'll start further back tomorrow," he said. I better wear something else.

For me, I am constantly struggling with fear. Fear that I will get hurt, fear that I am not able, fear that I will fail. That is the biggest thing I need to get over if I am going to make this work this time. It's okay if I get hurt, I will heal. It's okay that I am not able, I will learn how, I will work hard, I will try until I can. It's okay if I fail, that is a part of life. The key is not to wallow in self pity and get back up and start again.

I want to run. I will run, I will run far, I will run fast, I will race with my kids, I will play sports, I will do this...