An Apology...

So, I have been trying to write for the Mud and Mercy blog, but there is something that is consuming that I need to share with everyone. So, I apologize for writing on this one first, but I have to get this out, then maybe the other one will come easier.

I've been really dreading this. It's confession time on my part. Well, I am not really confessing, I just need to get something in my life fixed. The "crack" blog I wrote the other day really hit me hard. There is something in my life that is really hindering me from growing in my spiritual walk, and I need to get it fixed right now if I hope to be effective in anyway in my ministry. Anyone want to guess what it is?

Yeah, it's my weight. I have been really feeling a LOT of conviction in my life because of it. At the Colony, we are really trying to teach the guys to be Godly, hardworking, and responsible. So, for the past year, I have been really focusing on how I can be that. If I am teaching that to the guys there, I need to be living it myself. There are a lot of areas I have improved on, but those are little things compared to what this. I keep putting it off and putting it off, but I can't do it anymore.

How did I get this way? I am so disappointed in myself. I am ashamed and embarrased. I am really disgusted. Depressed. I am overwhelmed, too. What am I going to do? I am fed up, it's time for change. Someone once told me that rock bottom is where you stop digging, well, I am done. God take the shovel and help me out, because the hole is awfully deep.

I feel like I've let a lot of people down, but the people I have let down the most are my wife and kids. Every time I go to the school, my kids' friends talk about how fat I am. It embarrases me and I know it has to embarrass them. Pam deserves a good looking guy to be walking around the mall with, not this big load she's married too. I want to live to see the kids grow up, I want to walk my daughter down the aisle when she gets married. I want to run around and play sports with my kids. I want out of this mess!

So, here's some stats. I weigh at least 450 pounds. I don't know for sure, because I don't have a scale that can weigh me. I wear a 60 waist jeans. My shirts are a 6XL. As I am typing this, I am actually borderline crying because I don't want anyone to know this. It's a mess that has gotten out of control.

Here's the plan. There are 119 days until my 35th birthday. I want to lose 100 pounds by my birthday. That's right, a pound a day until May 21. I am going to use this blog as an accountability thing, so I ask those of you who are near and dear to me to please join me in this journey. I got a long road ahead...